underwhelmed?

I have wanted to write about Monday since Monday. Monday was one of those god-awful days where I went around being bitchy to everyone, especially people who were tyring to help me. I felt like my to-do list was insurmountable, and I hated myself for not being a calmer and sweeter, more centered human being.

Today my to-do list is longer. My business account became overdrawn when I had money sitting at home waiting to be deposited. My real estate deal has fallen through. And I'm happy. I'm content, and I know that I'm doing as good a job as I can do. I know that the yoga studio will open at the new location on Sunday even if I haven't finished. I almost certainly will not have finished.

My friend Matthew (who's doing all the work) mentioned today that maybe I could feel a little more overwhelmed. A little stress response would help get the fitting rooms in and the baseboards installed. A little stress response might get me down to the city and into the bank on time. But I don't want it. I don't want to feel frantic and spent out and spun out and like I'm coming up short all the time. I'm fine. The studio is fine. It will all be okay.

The interesting thing is that I am noticing now that how I feel usually has absolutely nothing to do with my circumstances. Today I feel great even though everything is uncertain, and honestly, not tending toward the outcome I would most like to see. Monday I was miserable even though my circumstances were much more optimistic. What's up with that?

So my emotional state is basically independent of my circumstances, but I still try really, really hard to control the circumstances of my life, most of which are completely out of my hands. Grasping at the illusion of being in control brings me and everyone around me pain and unhappiness. Like on Monday, I had to make the customer service guy at Comcast understand that he had to send me another modem, and no! I absolutely would not pay $15 for shipping. I yelled and screamed and cursed in a wasted effort to gain control over that situation. I don't know how he felt about it or if I brought him suffering. Probably. I definitely made myself unhappy. Unhappier. I was already unhappy or I wouldn't have behaved that way.

It gets tricky here though, because I can also grasp at this feeling of ease that I have in my life today. It might not be like that tomorrow. Tomorrow I may be yelling into my phone again at some live human being who has the misfortune to get me on the other side of the line. I may be worried and stressed out and panicked about how I will get everything done. I may be surly and quiet and weird with the people in my life who I love and who are trying to help me.

Is it a choice? Do I get to decide how I will be? I have never successfully just changed my mood because I willed it (without chemicals). But I do know the actions that tend to give me the result of joy and ease in my life. Basically, I need to go to yoga. Especially when I'm busy and I don't think there's time. I also need to eat. On Monday I skipped breakfast and ate very little until dinner. It may sound silly and basic, but it's something I forget when I get too busy: eat.

Eat and do yoga? Is that really all I have to do? Not exactly, but I would love to remember that it's a great place to start.