dukkha

After I wrote the last post about being angry, a few interesting things happened. One person who's angry at me used the blog as an opportunity to express his anger at me publicly. He did it on Facebook. He deleted the comment really quickly, but I got to see it and maybe a few other people did too. When you are vulnerable in public, some people will use it as an opportunity to attack you. My mother warned me that would happen.

Another thing that happened is that several people told me I hadn't done anything wrong. Possibly. I do give myself a hard time and I analyze my behavior to death. I'll resist the urge to quote Rumi (such a cliched yoga teacher thing to do), but to paraphrase: there is no right or wrong, dummy. What it's about for me is that I don't want my life to be a reaction. What I did with the landlady, evil bitch that she is, was a reaction. If I had noticed that anger arise in me, mulled it over and decided to tell her that she was crazy and a liar, it would have been different. I want to decide, but what happened was that I was overcome with an emotion that I reacted to. I did not decide.

The last interesting thing that happened after the blog entry is that people told me about how they're frustrated and angry and about how they have acted in ways (usually when no one's looking) that they regret and that are harmful. And I was reminded. We are all like that. We are all like that. We are all like that. The person who lashed out at me, me, the landlord, my friends, probably you.

I listen to Pema Chodron CDs when I drive sometimes. Six discs later, and this is basically what she says: we are all suffering. It's the first of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism. Dukkha. It's frustration, irritation, dissatisfaction, resentment, and we all feel it. When I'm feeling it, I think I'm the only one. I feel very alone. What Pema Chodron says though is that actually, lots and lots of people are feeling it at that very moment that I am experiencing it. She suggests breathing in the feeling. Breathe it in for you and for all the people in the world who are suffering as you are. Acknowledge them. Acknowledge that you are not alone. Then breathe out the antidote. Breathe it out for you and breathe it out for everyone who is suffering as you are.

I've been doing this for a little while (at least a week). What's been really interesting to me is that no matter what it is that I'm breathing in, whether it's frustration or anger or fear or anxiety, the antidote on the out breath always feels exactly the same. It's calm and ease in the knowledge that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be.

Exactly how it is supposed to be. The Buddhists had it right. We are all suffering. When I realize that, I have the exquisite experience of finding it impossible to be angry. Like the person who lashed out at me after the last blog. I admit that I had a flash of anger and of hurt feelings, but then I realized how perfect it is, really. He was doing exactly what I had done. We are exactly alike. What's there to be mad about?

That's rare. In fact, it's only happened once. I can't even recapture the feeling now, but there was this moment when I saw us all as hurt and vulnerable and imperfect and it was the most beautiful thing. I think most, maybe even all, of us are trying to be better and act better and do better. There's this sweetness there, even when we do it so imperfectly. Especially because we do it imperfectly. It's so human, so frail, so real, so perfect, actually. It is exactly how it is supposed to be.