broke

Be careful what you wish for.

We've had a slow few days at the studio. For most of March and the first week or so of April, I was completely optimistic about where the studio was going. We were making sales goals day after day after day. I felt great. But we've had these slow days (how quickly I forget that we're still doing much better than we ever were in 2009), and I feel dull and unmotivated and fearful. Broke. This is what broke feels like.

I get into this flow sometimes and I'm having fun in life, working enough, helping people out, taking care of my body. Business goes well without me trying too hard or worrying too much about it. I have energy to finish projects and inspiration to start new ones. And then I get out of flow. Like now. Instead of work that accomplishes tasks and gets me closer to my goals, I stare at numbers. And then I check them again just to be sure. And then I look at the bank balance and run it all through again. I did that all day today. It really was a downer.

What comes first: the optimism and flow or the success of the business? It feels right now like the success comes first, but when I'm in flow, I believe the flow, and the thinking that causes flow, comes first.

Barbara Ehrenreich has a new book out called Bright Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America. I really don't want to read it. I'm actually kind of mad at her for writing it. In a world where almost everything is unpredictable and out of my control, it's really comforting to think that I have some power over outcomes by my strong belief that things will work out well.

Then I have days like today, when I completely understand what Ehrenreich is talking about. My optimism seems foolish, and I tell myself that I have not been living in reality for a long, long time. I get kind of panicky, and I start to believe that it was all a mistake, and the absolute best thing I can do right now is run, run, run and find someone, anyone, who will employ me.

What's the truth? In my saner, more level moments, I know that both are true. I don't have very much money right now. It's really pretty tight. On the other hand, I have a business that is growing. I just need to hang in there awhile longer. It's not happening as quickly as I would have chosen, but it's definitely happening.

The truth is that on paper, I have never had enough money. It was never a sane idea to start a yoga studio and to quit my job. Never. The other truth is that there has always been enough money. The cash has always been there when I needed it. Today, even, there is enough money. The fear is all about the future. Right now I'm full from dinner. I'm wearing new shoes, my pets are fed, and I'm living in a warm apartment that I can afford. And I do this all on what Square One pays me. I shouldn't buy anymore shoes, but I'm okay.

It's the same lesson for me over and over. I'm so attached to the success of the business that you can track my mood by square one's numbers and vice versa. It has become a little less extreme in the last year, but the business is a lot more secure now than it was a year ago, so you would think I could let go of a not-so-stellar week every now and then. You would think.

I'm not there yet. In the meantime, I'll just keep showing up, even when I'm not so productive. I'll keep doing yoga, even if it's just a little 'cause the truth is I don't really feel like it. The numbers will change. My mood will change. I'm not sure which will happen first, but both will happen. Maybe even soon.