fear of failing

Something happened and my mood changed. Nothing external, just a little shift on the inside. I'm less worried about being broke. Everybody's broke right now, or acting broke. It's very chic. The numbers at the studio are still low compared to a month ago, but I'm just not as concerned. It changes. It always changes. When I'm sane, I know not to get too excited about the highs or too depressed by the lows. It's the long term that's interesting, and in the long term, square one is experiencing steady growth. We're doing okay. Better than okay.

The last entry was about letting go of things that weren't serving me. At that moment all that I could let go of were some towels and a pile of old clothes. I also tried to be a little more generous with my time and my attention, which is harder and requires more sustained attention. I did okay for a couple of days.

But trying got the ball rolling. It got me out of my obsessive little me-thinking just a tiny bit, and I started to relax a little.

I've had a couple of really interesting conversations recently with different entrepreneur friends who are either giving up businesses right now or have in the past. I have to say it's making me a lot less scared of failing. Each of their stories involves so many complexities. Difficult partners, new families, working harder than they could realistically work. I've always thought that if I had to give up square one it would be an enormous failure, but when I look at these friends, what they chose seems very, very far from what I would call a failure.

I feel like maybe I've let go of that fear just a little bit. It can fail. I'll still be okay. My friends and family will still love me. I'll pick up and try something else. I've learned so much in the last year or so, way more than any other year of my life. I'm stronger physically and mentally, and I'm really beginning to get to know myself, what I can do and what I'm not so good at. No matter what happens, I get to take all that with me.

I have work to do at the studio. I have new classes to market and I'm planning some stuff to get us through the dry months of summer. I have my eye on a new, really big project that I'm super excited about. I'm swimming in warm water. I'm having fun. Still broke in the traditional sense, but feeling better about it. I'm engaged in the process and somewhat more relaxed about the bank balances and class attendance.

Owning a business is like being in a wonderfully complicated relationship. It's messy and unpredictable. Sometimes you stayed married for a lifetime, and sometimes you decide it was exciting for awhile, but it needs to end. Either way, there's no such thing as failure, and there's no wrong way to do it. As long as you dive in and try. I've done that. Now it's time to stop whining about what I don't have and dive back in. That fear wasn't serving me.