stingy

I'm not that complicated. I'm still in the dumps a bit, and if I'm not angry, which I'm not, it has to be fear.

I heard on the radio yesterday morning that children whose parents lost jobs in recessions when they were growing up were three times more likely than other children to live in poverty as adults. It just cemented the idea I've been toying with for a long time that wealth and poverty are states of mind, and I mean that in more ways than one.

I grew up with a single mom who would cash checks at the grocery store two days before payday in order to keep things afloat. I have a poverty mindset. I can be really stingy, although I try hard to hide it. I hoard certain objects, particularly clothes and shoes. I was traumatized by my lack of Guess jeans growing up. Seriously. It was really painful. Hoarding is the action of a poverty mindset. Hoarding is a way of acting out the belief that there will never be enough. Hoarding is an an act of fear.

I'm sorry, but here I go again with Pema Chodron. She says practicing generosity is a practice in letting go. What I need now more than anything is to be able to let go.

So I'm consciously practicing generosity as much as my feeble little generosity muscles will let me. But I have this hunch that what I really need to give away is exactly what I am most scared of losing, which means that I have to figure out what it is that I'm most scared of losing.

Here's what I've come up with so far: I am most scared of losing the vision of myself as successful in this business. It's an ego thing.

Perfect, because that's exactly what I want to give away! There is nothing I want more than to talk to people about their businesses and help them figure out ways to be more successful. It gets better because in the next few days I have a bunch of meetings with people who need exactly that kind of help. Know anyone else? Send 'em my way.

There's also that old fear of being materially poor, that poverty mindset. So I'm going to give away some stuff. Old clothes, mostly, which doesn't sound that generous even to stingy old me, but it's something. I have to start somewhere. I'll try to give away a few things that hurt just a little. Not my Lululemon leggings. I'm not a saint or anything, but I'll push myself a little.

I already feel better. I have a plan. My poverty mindset may not go anywhere fast. It's a lifelong way of thinking. But we start somewhere. We build it. We practice, like our practice. Today, for maybe 1.5 seconds if you counted really fast, I did bakasana with straight arms. It took me a year of practicing really regularly to get my feet off the ground in bakasana at all. We get stronger, a lot stronger, if we work at it.

And by the way, it may be a good time to ask me for stuff.