the secret?

I have to admit that I’ve read a little of the success literature. I read a Jack Canfield book, I started Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich. I didn’t finish, but I got the idea. I read a book called Creative Visualization that claims to be a classic.

Last night I watched a Frontline documentary that told stories of how people in one Upper East Side hair salon have been affected by this economy. There were two stories in particular that really got to me. One was a man in his fifties who had been a HR exec and was laid off. It showed him going to networking meetings, sending off hundreds of resumes, driving around, going to interviews, seeing a coach. I’m sure his coach has heard of the Secret. Then there was a couple that owned a coffee shop that failed. They were $200,000 in debt and completely dejected.

It is silly and presumptuous to say that if only these people had visualized a little more clearly, had understood the Law of Attraction, had relaxed deeper, meditated more, etc., then they would not have these problems. That’s my big issue with the (very public) Secret. It’s not better than the churches that are popping up that claim if you love Jesus enough, he will give you money. What about all of the devout people in poor countries who don’t have enough to eat? Should we just all give them a Secret DVD and call it a day? Oh wait, what will they watch it on?

It’s absurd, but I do think there is a kernel of truth in there somewhere. Years before I owned a yoga studio, I imagined myself owning a yoga studio. If I hadn’t, when the opportunity arose, I wouldn’t have even recognized it as an opportunity. What I want definitely won’t manifest if I don’t first have a picture of what it is that I want. Of course, there are plenty of things that I have imagined happening that never did. It requires sustained attention and real desire or else I just won’t do the work. There’s nothing magic or secret about that.

The idea though that getting what I want will make me happy is absurd. Things, even big, amazing, wonderful things, will never make me happy. That’s the heart of yoga, really. That’s the truth of non-duality.

The one author I held onto from the canon of success literature is Deepak Chopra. He basically says what the Secret people say, but he acknowledges that we are going to have obstacles, sometimes really big ones, and that getting what we want materially has nothing to do with how satisfied we are in our lives.

And then there’s the letting go, which Deepak insists we must do. I have found that having an intention and then grasping on to it, obsessing over it, examining how close or far I am from it, fantasizing about what life will be like once I have achieved it, has not worked well for me. Somehow I have to release the desire to the universe, and Chopra claims that the universe will handle all of the details. I can’t orchestrate it, which is the tough part for me. God knows I try.

When I first envisioned owning a yoga studio, I imagined how it would feel to come to work in yoga pants and sit at reception in my very own yoga studio. I had no idea how that would happen. I envisioned it a few times and then I let go of it. It was easy to let go of, because while there was a weird little tentative faith that it would happen, for the most part, I thought it was highly unlikely at best. I had no money and I lived in a city saturated with yoga studios. But the universe did handle the details, and a couple of years later gave me a yoga studio. As all my readers know, I have found that there is a lot more to that gift than coming to work in my pjs.

Overall, I’m definitely a grasper. That’s the problem with the success literature. It seems so simple that it’s very easy for me to get greedy. Then I fantasize and grasp and cling and struggle, and that’s not it at all. Not it at all. The other problem I have with most of the success literature is that it never mentions that once we get it, we will almost certainly find that it presents way more challenges that we realized. Just because it comes doesn’t mean that it will be easy or successful or feel right or make us happy. In all likelihood, what it will do is challenge us, raise the bar, heighten the uncertainty, give us more to lose.

Who knows? That might in fact be just what we need.

new spaces

I was talking to a fellow blogger (Devon Kelley-Yurdin, http://www.moodhair.blogspot.com/, http://www.devonkelley-yurdin.com/ really pretty art), and she said, “that’s the thing with bogging. At some point in every entry, you always regress to how overwhelmed you are with life.”

Yes, Devon, that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m going to stop now. The vast majority of the time, I do not feel overwhelmed by life. It’s just when I feel like writing, it’s usually because I feel overwhelmed by life.

Not tonight! Tonight I feel optimistic and in control. Until I look around at all of the untended-to papers scattered on my desk. Or until the dog starts barking and chasing the cat who is hissing and running over the keyboard, which is happening right now. I am completely in control of life! Nothing overwhelming happening here!

Anyway, Square One needs a new place to live. My current landlord has told me more lies that I can continue to count. The space is cold; we share a nasty men’s restroom with the restaurant next door, which thumps Baliwood bass no matter how many times I ask, “please, please, for the love of Krishna, will you turn that music down?” We need more space for more yoga mats, or will soon. And the biggest sin of all: I pay too much. I won’t sign another lease. I just won’t do it. That means I need to be out by March 1.

I found a place I really liked in Oakland. It was perfect in so many ways. High ceilings, good location, patio, owner willing to do a lot of the work, very, very cheap rent. But the city of Oakland is going to require me to get a conditional use permit, which costs $2500. I just don’t have it. Not with first month, last month, security. Not with a new commission-based career and absolutely no idea when I’ll see my next paycheck.

That’s why you all need to buy a house now and buy it from me! Square One is about to be homeless! Tell your friends, damn it!

Right now though, I am really not overwhelmed. Truthfully. I’ll find something. I’m just not sure how ideal it will be. Emeryville doesn’t have the same permit problems as Oakland, although my idea of putting us in a really cheap warehouse simply isn’t permitted, even in business-friendly Emeryville. I’m just not hip enough to be illegal. What’s next?

The space right next door is available, but I don’t like it. It has low, asbestos-tile ceilings. I’m going to go in there and see what’s above them, but it doesn’t seem promising. I will keep looking. Calmly. And when I’m not calm, I’ll try not to blog about it. Too much.

saturday night

It’s 8 pm on Saturday night and I’m wondering if it’s too early to go to bed.

There are a few things that I have to tell my dear readers (both of you):

I could be at a fabulous party. I was invited to one. I really wanted to go. There will be interesting people there that I want to know better. But I taught yoga for six solid hours today. I am exhausted. I got into the snuggie that I won at the real estate office party and looked for movies to download. I ended up starting a documentary about girls hospitalized for anorexia. I turned it off and took the dog out.

My mother insists that I tell everyone that my business is not failing. It’s true. My business is not failing. It’s doing well by most traditional measures of new businesses. It’s just not doing well by my standards, which include providing me with a decent paycheck each month and paying off some of the debt from the start up. In time, I’m sure it will.

Everyone who is a small business owner should read this: http://boss.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/10/the-dusenberry-diary-living-the-dream-or-just-living/?emc=eta1 Everyone who romanticizes entrepreneurship and thinks that being a small business owner is wonderful and liberating should also read it.

Here are what I see as the pre-requisites of owning a small business:

An acute case of workaholism.
Willingness to learn to live with being disliked.
Ability to change light bulbs promptly, submit paperwork, negotiate leases, build bookcases, paint walls, take out the trash, make copies, hire people, fire people, make wrong decisions, fuck up, apologize, demand what you need, live with anger, be disappointed, stomach extreme ups and downs, live with financial insecurity and high levels of debt. (Or be loaded, but I don’t know what that’s like.)

Do I sound bitter? I’m just tired. I don’t want to whine, because I wouldn’t trade the life I have for the life I was living before opening my business for anything! I love square one. I love my customers! I love my teachers and my work trade receptionists, and I love my job. I love that I created it, and I love the work that I do.

I work for myself because I’m a control freak. I love to drive, and I hate being driven. I like to multitask and I need for my brain to be engaged in new, changing things. I thrive, in many ways, on chaos. But, at the end of the day, sometimes I’m just tired, so I don’t make the party. Hopefully they’ll invite me again.

starting to blog

Writing is hard. Before I started a business, before I did yoga, before I became a real estate agent, I wrote. It seems like I can do anything in the world I want. Travel, earn degrees, start businesses, but writing is the hardest.

There is just so much at stake.

But don’t worry. I’m not going to take this blog too seriously. Seriously enough to sit down and write of course, but not seriously enough to care a lot about how much everyone loves me.

Yeah, right! I care, a lot!

Anyway, back to yoga and business. I haven’t been to a yoga class in a few days. I practice for a few minutes every day, often just one restorative pose, and I teach several times a week. But you know how sweet it is when you have a teacher you really like and you go all the time? You know how great it is when you’re in class, doing 90 minutes of yoga five times a week? I want that. I feel like I should be at a point in my practice where I just wake up and practice by myself for 90 minutes. I keep waiting for that to evolve naturally into my way of being. It hasn’t happened yet.

The idea in my life right now is just to keep doing the things I know I need to do. Keep writing, keep doing yoga, keep tending to the business and answering emails. Just, day after day, do it regardless of whether people like it or are coming or are paying me enough. Somewhere is the faith that my needs will be taken care of if I just keep doing what I’m put on the earth to do. I just haven’t been able to sustain the faith. It comes in flashes and then disappears, which makes me think it’s more of a hunch than faith. I’d like something a little more sustaining.