consistency

I am not very consistent. I forget things. I've found myself saying to a lot of people lately, "I'm sorry. I dropped the ball." A lot.

It was easier to be consistent and to have good habits when I worked a regular job. There were things that had to get done in the morning before work and things that had to get done in the evening. I set an alarm and woke up early. I went to bed at basically the same time every night. I woke up and did it all over again. I had deadlines imposed by institutions and bosses and groups of people who needed me to accomplish certain tasks by certain times. For the most part, I followed them. I met deadlines. I showed up.

Six weeks into self employment and I have shut off the alarm. It's kinda nice, lying in bed. I have a dog and a cat, one on each side, and they're warm and they love me, and I'm not late to anything but my own to-do list. But while I don't have deadlines or bosses, I still have groups of people who need me to accomplish things by certain times in order to be able to do their jobs effectively. And like I said, I've been dropping the ball.

There are other important things don't happen that basically no one cares about but me, but that I care about a lot. The blog doesn't get written. I don't take as many long walks with the dog. I skip yoga.

It's not that I'm not working. I'm working long days, but without a rhythm, without habits and without structure. Now the structure has to be internally motivated, internally moderated, and I have a hard time with that. Self control essentially, right? If I can't put down the pint of Ben and Jerry's, can I impose a healthy schedule on myself?

I'm going to try. I'm going to start easy. I'm just going to set the alarm. That's it. I don't even have to set it really early. I just have to set it, and then I have to get up.

I think I'll add two more things. Tuesday and Thursday mornings at 9 am, you will find me at Rusty Well's all levels class at his lovely new studio in the city. (Urban Flow. Go!) I want to get stronger, and I know it will happen in his class. And Tuesday is my day off. I don't work on Tuesdays.

Of course, then there's the question: what's work? The best thing about my life right now is that my work is my hobby, and my friends are my clients. So what's a day off? I'm not exactly sure, but I have a hunch it's important. All the best things that have happened in my professional life have happened effortlessly, in times of rest and relaxation, when I wasn't thinking about work. But this is a whole new topic for a new entry, and it's pushing ten. I guess I have an early day tomorrow.