practice, practice, practice!

Update: I have set my alarm every morning this week and gotten up more or less when I intended to. I've also made it to Rusty's class as planned on both Tuesday and today. That's the best, most important thing happening in my life right now.

As I've mentioned many times here, starting a business really did a number on my asana practice. What I've been doing for the last year really is just maintenance. I haven't gotten stronger or much more flexible or learned any new poses. (Of course, purists could easily argue that this has nothing to do with yoga, but let's face it. I want to get stronger and more flexible and learn new poses. Starting the studio is also yoga, but right now I'm talking about being on the mat.)

It's ironic that someone who lives next door to a yoga studio where she can go to class for free all day long should have a hard time getting to yoga. But I have. And when I do go, it's usually because it's my job. I need to do sample classes and be at the studio and greet students and be a presence. I really love doing all that, but it's not the inward, quiet, private practice of yoga, and that's what I've been missing.

I also need to be challenged. I need to really work my body. I need to be invited to try poses I've never done before. I need to be encouraged to push myself. When this happens in yoga, everything changes.

The most obvious thing that happens is that I get high. Being in Rusty's class reminds me a lot of being at a club in the 90's high on ecstasy. There's good, loud music and lots and lots of people with these gorgeous, enormous smiles that make me feel like I've arrived, that I'm home. And there's sweat. Lots and lots of sweat.

But something else happens that's a little more subtle. I touch parts of my body that are very, very difficult to get at. I get deep and dirty in my hip sockets. I use my core from the bottom of my pelvis to the pit of my belly and all along the sides of my stomach. I use it all. My hamstrings don't just stretch. That's easy. The tendons at the edge of my sit bones loosen and release and my spine falls cleanly to my legs. The balls of my feet ground down, and all the little muscles in feet activate to lift my arches. My legs shake with effort from deep down, right next to the bone.

Sometimes this is all happening at the same time, and I get to watch. I get watch my mind tell me it's too hard, tell me I can't do it, I shouldn't do it, it's too much. Then there's the breath, the breath that keeps flowing deeply, right into those spaces. The breath that tells me that it's hard, but that I'm okay. I'm steady. I'm there. I'm safe.

And what's in there? What is it that I'm touching? I don't have words for it exactly, but I'll tell you what happens. I leave cleaner. I lie back in savasana and what was buried deep in my flesh has been loosened, is brought to the surface. Sometimes I cry. Tears roll down my cheeks and puddle in my ears. Just like when I was a beginner, and I was crazy and depressed and sick. I'm not a beginner anymore, and I'm not depressed or sick. But I still have work to do. I'm not there yet. It's a relief to know that. It's a relief to cry in savasana again and know that the work has restarted.

"Practice, and all is coming." -Sri K. Pattabhi Jois

Two things:

1. Everybody, of course, should come to square one yoga. But I'm going to plug Urban Flow pretty heavily too. It's a really friendly and welcoming space, and Rusty's class is amazing. I think Square One and Urban Flow are basically after the same thing. Go check it out! Better yet, come with us. Send me an email, and I'll tell you the details.

2. Are you reading this? I know there are a few of you. Will you please follow me? I only have one follower, and as much as I'm trying not to care, I want to see your pretty faces and names up there. Thanks!!