It's ten minutes into 2010. What did I do tonight? I cleaned and rearranged every room in my apartment. I skipped dinner (poor me) and ate Godiva chocolate that a friend gave me at lunch. I gave myself an enormous present: a clean, safe, beautiful place to live in 2010.
The truth is that I never really moved into this apartment, and it's been a little over a year. I've hated living here form the beginning. It's a weird space and poorly built, with linoleum in the living room and a tiny kitchen. But the bedrooms are enormous and the rent is cheap. I spread out tonight. I made everything exactly as I wanted it. I mopped the floors three times to make up for 13 months of no mop. I shook out the rugs and hung pictures that have been lying on the floor for a year. I moved in, and I love it. They will have to evict me from this apartment. I will never leave.
I spent 2009 feeling like I didn't have enough, like there would never be enough, like all of my possessions were dirty and crappy and I needed new ones. Lots of new ones, but all of my money went to the studio. I felt deprived. Tonight I feel blessed. Tonight I realize how much I have. Materially, I have lots and lots and lots of pretty things, art and antiques and gifts from around the world. I have enough clothes and shoes for five people, and we could all wear something different everyday of the week. I have an enormous, beautiful apartment with the darlingest little dog snuggled up next to me and a gorgeous, loving cat who will be by later. I have food for now and I have food for emergencies. The cat and the dog also have food for now and food for emergencies.
What was that feeling of lack that so characterized 2009 for me?
2009 was my hardest, most uncertain year. I think I just thought that stuff and money meant security. I would never have admitted believing that, but I did. Subconsciously, I did.
I was looking for a reprieve from uncertainty, but there is no reprieve from uncertainty. Life is uncertain. I hope that in 2010 I am able to remember that certainty and security are not the same thing, that I can be completely secure in the most uncertain situations. Uncertainty is wonderful; it's where all the opportunity is. Insecurity is awful, but right now I feel safe. I'm safe even though I'm broke, even though I don't know when I will sell a house or when the studio will be profitable. I have always had enough, despite the fear and worry. Why would I think that would suddenly not be true?
Is this the itty-bitty beginning of a little faith? Please? Maybe, just maybe? I've been waiting for a long, long time.
Happy New Year everyone!!!
Yoga is all about being unattached to results. We do our duty, that’s it. If we’re truly connected, then we are at peace no matter what happens, no matter how many people come to our class, or whether our business fails or succeeds... Then why am I always such a mess?
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