mettle

A couple of weeks ago I picked up a memoir written by a woman who is brutally raped and beaten by a stranger when she is a freshman in college.* A certain professor comes with her when she testifies before the grand jury. The professor is the only person she wants to be there. Not her mother, not her friends, not her sister. She wants her professor to be there because her professor has mettle.

Google says:

met·tle  (mtl)

n.

1. Courage and fortitude; spirit: troops who showed their mettle in combat.

2. Inherent quality of character and temperament.

I was completely fascinated by the word. And still am. It describes exactly what I want. Perhaps the only thing I truly, deeply long for. Mettle. The ability to show up.

On some level, I knew, although I couldn't put my finger on why at first, that yoga gives me mettle.

So it's been slinking around in the back of my mind. And then yesterday, I did biofeedback for the first time in physical therapy. The therapist got me all set up on her table with lots of pillows and told me to relax. She attached electrical sensors to my ankles, a CO2 detector into my nose and a heart rate monitor to my ear.

What I saw was astonishing. At first, my muscles were not completely relaxed even though they felt like they were. My breath was not as deep as is considered optimal for health. My heart rate was good, but not in sync with my breath. The CO2 levels detected on the exhalation were lower than ideal.

And then I started breathing. The breath that we learn in yoga. I elongated my exhalation. That's all I did, and everything changed. My breath and heart rate became synchronized. The levels of CO2 increased so that I was letting out, literally, all the old air. My muscles relaxed. Not only did they feel relaxed, they actually were. It was quantifiable and I could see it on the computer screen. It completely amazed me, although now I'm not sure why I was surprised. Intuitively, I already knew it.

What happened was that I became stable, steady. 

Asana: Steady pose.

Krishna tells Arjuna over and over again in the Bagavhad Gita, show up! Show up for this incredibly difficult war. Show up despite your fear and worry and grief. Show up. That's all there is. The result of the war is inconsequential; there is no other duty, nothing else of import in this life, than showing up for it.

Showing up is steadiness. Steadiness is mettle. So mettle is, very simply, showing up.

The body becomes stable when we really breathe. So go to yoga. If it takes 50 chaturangas to breathe, do it. If it takes three bolsters and six blankets to breathe, do it. Whatever it takes, do it. We get steadiness of the body, and we get steadiness of heart and mind. We become able to show up.

Show up for yourself: Deal with your abuse and your neglect and your anger and your fear and your grief. If you need to, go to therapy. Show up for your difficulties and your wild emotional rides. Do not run away. Do not check out. Do not claim ignorance. Do not hide behind willfullness and pride. Be awake, be vulnerable.

Show up for others: Be there when your friend is sick, when his mother dies, when he loses his partner or his job. Do not shy away. Do not cower. Go with your fear and your insecurity and your doubt. Go anyway.

Krishna is right. There really is nothing else.

*The book was Lucky by Alice Sebold. Very intense, but well worth reading.