back to the mat?

This impermanence stuff sucks. The resolve and clarity of last week are basically gone. I want to text him 50,000 times a day and say, "No! Wait! Come back! I don't need anything. I'm sad and lonely and discouraged, and I can't sleep, and I liked it much better before when we were together." I haven't sent that text yet, thank God. Or not exactly that text. A lot of the time, I do want him back. I am quite sad and confused and not sure why we can't make it work. But I haven't heard from him, so somehow or another I just need to navigate impermanence, which is, along with suffering and egolessness, one of the marks, or truths, of life in Buddhism. According to Pema, fighting impermanence is the same as fighting life.

Spiritual truths can sure be irritating when we're in pain. I'm sick of the bright side. What I think I may be coming to though is that hanging out in pain is a big waste of time. I may have some choice in the matter. I keep telling myself how sad I am, and sometimes I am quite sad. But right now I don't feel sad. I'm just telling myself how sad I am. And how tired. And how it's unlikely I will ever meet anyone again. And what a shitty writer I am. And that no one wants to read this. And that I might as well cancel all my appointments and go back to bed.

But really, Katy? Let's check the facts. I'm not with this man because he stated clearly that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. That's the only way we know how to relate to each other, so there's not any reason (that I can think of) to hang out. People like and read my blog. You are reading my blog and every now and then I hear from you that you like it. I'm thirty-four and a catch; the odds are nil that my dating life is over. I have moments of real unhappiness, some of which I'm turning into art. I painted last night for the first time in years. I'm not wallowing. I'm getting out and doing what I have to do. I have friends who call me and care about me and want to see me. Those are, actually, the facts.

So what's the problem? What's the cause of my despair? These stupid fucking stories that I tell myself.

Isn't that why we do yoga? Yoga citta vrtti nirodah. "Yoga is the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind stuff." (That is the translation that has always stuck in my mind, although I'm not sure anymore who to attribute it to.)

My suffering right now is largely because of my thoughts, the stories I keep telling myself. I know yoga will help clear that shit away. The truth is that it's been really hard to get on the mat even though I know there's solace there. My thoughts will slow and a lot of the damaging, extraneous, untrue ones will go away for awhile. So I've managed to do a few minutes here and there. Mostly down dogs and inversions, for a change of perspective. A little is okay right now. I'm coming back home.